An Emotional Reading of Dostoyevsky's "the Brothers Karamazov"

When I first read Dostoyevsky, I was about fourteen. His most known novel, "Crime and Punishment" was my first acquaintance with him. The reason that I refer to this book and that point of my own history is actually the feeling that I have after ten years of my lifetime. This feeling is remembrance; sensibility and contemplation of the same kind even after many different experiences that I have had. Dostoyevsky has the power to enforce one to analyze, feel, ponder and suffer those ideas of him, diligently placed in his novels as he knows how to present his composition and philosophy to any age, any person, at any position. He does not limit his own wit and intellect to do that, he simply manages to subdue his transcendant perspective of life which may alter itself in a language in such a way hard to comprehend. The question here is why does he do that? Rather, why did he suffer from that when there was always any other way, like giving up and not giving a shit about us(readers) at all. He knew the answer well. That's why he wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" by calculating everything; religion, law, state or individual complexity. He portrayed such a picture that there is, now, no reason to question his reasons. He got into his own characters to answer us. I am, as a reader, both happy and sad after reading this novel. I am happy to see that kind of effort from a human, he may not even care for our reading, yet I feel that he completed his own existence as later Sartre suggested, but he also put an effort to social life and a whole society by separately penetrating into individuals. With this perspective, that was an emotional and exultant reading for me. On the other hand, I feel totally disappointed at myself, seeing how vulnerable and useless I am. Dostoyevsky's writing has brought a disgrace on me, embarressed me in so many ways as I am doing nothing except for existing in a very bad way in the same universe with Dostoyevsky himself.