Broken Depressing - a Narrative Essay

She was tired; She kept pushing everyone away; She knew she needed help; She didn’t want it, but she knew for certain she needed it.

Then she met him.

She didn’t want to take that step, that blind leap of faith that she’d tripped over so many times before, she just did it anyway. Besides, if it didn’t work out…

She was ready to leave anyway.

She jumped right in where she could be hurt just like so many times before, hoping, just praying that this one might be different; That she might have a chance; That he might care; that he would make an effort; that he could understand… Her.

Sometimes, she forgets the present; Sometimes, she remembers the past; She remembers the pain. She reminds herself of her real value, that no one really cares, and she starts doubting every moment of happiness or feeling she’s ever had. When someone feels like this, when someone is absolutely certain that the world would be better off without them, no one wants to help, to be around… to experience it themselves.

He knows that he has to be there for her, even if every move she makes and every word she speaks proves otherwise, that she isn't worth his time, his care, anything. He’s certain that she’s the one, its fact in his mind; knowledge swayed by nothing. All those ex-boyfriends that promised to love her forever, promised to never hurt her, promised to never forget, they’re nothing, they’re worthless. He knows he can’t promise her those things because he knows how easily he could break them, even accidentally.

He knows what she thought, “He’s just gonna be the same as all the others, making useless promises that can’t be kept, he’ll pretend everything’s alright, he’ll ignore everything, all my threats of leaving, my threats of suicide; he won’t ever make a hint of effort for me”. He knows he could become that guy, he knows how easy it would be to lose her, someone so fragile. He knows that everything he does and everything he says to her he has to think about twice over, just to be sure. Everything.

She thinks he doesn’t understand, that he never could, because, how could he. He hasn’t struggled through her life, her family, her friends. His family is huge, no matter what, there’s someone he can turn to, there’s someone to listen. She knows that he tries to understand, because he loves her, and she knows he does. Hell, the last three months with him have been the first in a long time where she feels loved.

He understands.

It hurts him to understand everything so well as he does.

He can’t say things like, “I know baby, its ok. We’ll get through it together”, just because it’s so cliché; He can’t say it to her because she’s certainly already heard it from every other guy that didn’t really care, every other guy that walked out on the last day as if they’d never even met. But if he did say it, God only knew that he really meant it.

He gets it. He really does, and it kills him every day to have to hide that from her, because if he could only convince her that he really does understand she would be free. Free of everything, free of her past, free of every bad decision she’s ever made, all of her regrets would just wash away. It’s so hard, it’s a chore every day to make sure he doesn’t say it, whenever she’s down, he has to be up, but he knows she can tell he isn’t ok. He can’t hide it any longer, he can’t keep his worst from her. There isn’t a good way for her to discover all of his flaws, but the worst way is if she experiences them herself.