Commando On A Night In July

The date is July 2006, and it is 11:16p.m. In the midst of the night, all is quiet, and safety seems assured. I stick my head out the crack of my door, shoot my ear out into the hall to see if the beast is snoring--and he is. Probably a long day at the office--or maybe he had to drive L.A. during rush hour. Doesn't matter, he's knocked out. The next challenge is to get by the silent sleeper--by far the more ferocious of the two. I go back into my room to give her a few extra seconds to get used to the snoring beast beside her. Time is limited. She's already waiting for me outside, but I have to be sure of the silent sleeper's status. Try to phone out for some more time but--"DAMN!" No service. Stupid Sprint. I hope that outburst didn't wake anyone. Let's go over the list of to-dos: pants--on, tank top--check, iPod--always, money and phone--10-4 ready-to-go!

I launched myself out into the hallway as gracefully as possible. My heart's racing and my parent's bedroom door is wide-open, windows too, but, of course, no wind outside to give me any cover, only obstacles. But I wasn't about to let this Vietnam night triumph over me! Prone and crawling commando, ever so vigilant, I make my way through enemy territory. Now that I think about it--is this worth getting caught? Well hell, it's a little late to be thinking that now moron! Ok, reached the top step of my crappy old staircase. First checkpoint. These must have

been built to be a pain in the flesh. Who am I kidding? I mastered these stairs when,"SQUEAK!"

Ok, maybe not. Stand still, don't move, and see if the jig is up. Silence. You are mega lucky that no one was disturbed. That could have been like when Luke Skywalker was dropped into an enormous pit with no choice but to battle that elephantine beast thing. Stop thinking about how you're going to get into trouble and focus on your ninja skills right now! Stealth down those stairs and get out of here!! The way I'm slinking down each step of the staircase makes me feel like a master contortionist. I can't believe no one will have ever witnessed this. Friggin' Kodak moment! Careful! Watch your footing on the last 3 steps. They tend to be a bit tricky. Go along the edges where it's more firm. Why didn't you think about that for the entire staircase?! Oh well, knowledge for the next big adventure- jeez you're already thinking about doing this again? What kind of person have you become? You delinquent.

Aren't you glad you chose sandals? Shoes would squeak all over the new polish on this floor. Smells kind of good though. Just a few more steps and you're in the kitchen and further away from the beast's den. Sly devil. I should check again to make sure I brought everything. Oh no! I pat myself down from head to toe and--"SHIT!!" Where's your phone!? Too late to go back for it now, so just pray you left it on silent and in your room. As for the rest, I still have my clothes on and everything else I planned on bringing, plus a few itchy rug burns,