Death In Me

In life everyone has to encounter challenges, they make us who we are and often times have say in who we will be. Life altering experiences do not have to be bad all the time it could be passing a test or receiving an award. However, for me it was death that was the life altering experience. In transition from childhood to adolescence for me the concept of death was there but not real. I know death is neither my friend nor enemy but if it has changed me for the better or worst has yet to be revealed . The journey of life through the closing of eyes is how I think of it.

Death first came to me eleven years ago on New Years Eve. I found out that my mother was dead. The way it began was too ironic, I lived with my Grandma called in a town called Varina and the family was not very close. On this day I remember getting off the school bus and seeing all the cars at the house. I was happy that not only could I come in and call my mother and tell her that I got two parts in the school play, but I could share it with my family too. I busted in the door with a kool aid smile on my face ready to tell everyone how great life was. Soon I saw no one else smiling but me. My Aunt Ruby from across the street, not really any kin to me, came into my room and told me my mother was gone. I remember asking when is she coming back and she told me she was dead. I cursed her and ran out of the house. How could this happen ? Why did this happen ? It couldn't be true I ran and kept going until I couldn't any more. It was not real. I was not going to watch my mother go into a whole in the ground. I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral. I shut myself up and destruction followed. I had just stop caring about life and ended up in a lot of trouble. Finally, I began to come around and life was good until it happened again.

Death visited me again September, three years ago, and this time he took my Grandfather. I remember this time vividly as well sometimes at night I wake up screaming and crying and cursing death and pleading to him and God "Not me ." I was driving a green 1997 Mercury Tracer and my Grandfather was sick and it had been more then a day and we pleaded with him to go to the hospital, but he refused. I walked into my Grandma's room to tell her I was leaving, I was just going to take Nicole home and my Grandfather lay across the bed and told me not to go, but I told him it was ok I was coming right back this time and I kissed him and told him " I love you Grandpa" and I left. We got to her boyfriends house my cell ring and I said " Hello" and it was Grandma telling me to come home, I said ok I am on my way, again it rang and this time it was my sister screaming Grandpa is dead " What?" I said, I lost control of the car and just got out, I began to cry and scream at the top of my lungs "No" and "Why" Nicole drove me home quickly . On the floor in the restroom there he was I kissed his face and begged him to wake up, but he lay motionless and the pain of typing these words is great and I think is my journey over am I healed because with every line I relive the pain and it hurts and I am losing focus . Okay , I will go and I did I read a poem and said Good bye but I never let him go I think about him everyday. Now my grandmother has cancer and my husband is in Iraq and I don't know if I am coming or going most of the time. I called my Grandma the other day and told her, " I can't do this thing called life, I