Denial

I've been morally tested many times in my life however; I will never forget a situation in particular that I have struggled with for most of my life. I have always known that I was different but I was brought up to believe that difference was unique and beautiful. I went to the Annunciation Orthodox School from the time I was three years old and the years I spent there were the happiest of my life. I was different and that made me who I was. Because my father is half black and half Jewish and my mother being white and Irish catholic I could have easily been tormented or ostracized. However, it was never an issue, me being different. Myself and my classmates never saw each other for our physical appearance or religious value, we saw each other for our hearts because that was how we were brought up to be. This was the most important thing I knew about people in general. My friends were mixed with all kinds of ethnicities religions and other diversities but I didn't see this as necessarily a difference, just a quality.

My first day at Kinkaid was miserable, I didn't understand how people could talk behind each others backs and act completely fake to their face. I didn't understand how people could literally judge one another's "personality" based on what kind of money they had or other superficial substances. It didn't make sense to me I had never seen anything like this except in the movies and even that downplayed the reality of it all. Weeks passed and the freshmen retreat came. I was excited to finally get to know these people and maybe be pleasantly surprised at what id find out. I got a lot of attention on the retreat being the new girl and it felt really good. I met a ton of new people and got close with others. When I got back I was officially declared "cool". I was suddenly getting this attention left and right from the "perfect" girls and mostly the guys and it felt so good. It made me feel a high that was so pleasing I never wanted it to go away. I found myself doing things that did not reflect myself a year or so ago but I found that over time that kinkaid was like survivor and everybody did what they needed to do to survive. Only, I was in a whole other game I was fighting to stay on top and get as high as I could.

I began to notice all of the black people who isolated themselves out of inferiority. I began to notice how none of the white guys ever talked to the black girls. At one dance when everyone was dancing I walked through the crowd and heard one boy say that he didn't want to dance with me because I was black. I had never been so hurt. My self esteem had been lowered to almost nothing. I didn't understand how people couldn't see me for me. I didn't understand how people could be so sick and inconsiderate. I never knew that being black was not something to be proud of. Being black was a burden I was considered a different species. My world was turned upside down when I realized that life had everything to do with your physical appearance and everything that I was didn't fit into the right category.

People were always interested in "what" I was. I was something that made people ask subtle questions like "whats your family heritage?" or "how do you get so tan? Do you have like an everyday membership to darque tan?" I knew people didn't care what my family heritage was or why I was so tan, they solely wanted to find out what my ethnicity was. I was never used to telling many people what I was because Annunciation was like a family for me, therefore everybody knew "what" I was, no questions asked. But as people at Kinkaid began to get more and more curious I began to realize that being black was not a good thing. I never really understood that it was even different then other races but being at Kinkaid, unconsciously brought shame as I walked down the hallway seeing perfect white people with perfect boyfriends and perfect money and if I was going to be like that I had to make sure I covered up anything imperfect about myself. One day we were all in the computer room and I overheard some guys in my grade laughing about a joke that I will never forget for as long as I live. It went something like "what's the difference between a run over car and a run over nigger?" Everyone in the room cracked up and asked for the answer. I couldn't even speak I was so bewildered I didn't think it was possible to feel more broken and ashamed then I felt at that moment. I was proved wrong, however, when the answer came. The difference was that the dog had skid marks in front of it because the car actually tried to stop. I had never heard anything more sick and I knew that some of the people at my new school could be cruel but sick was a whole new category. I had heard them make jokes about other races but it didn't affect me because I was still on top and I closed my ears at whatever I needed to in order to remain that way. However this joke poured into me like burning dry ice drying my throat to where I couldn't even swallow. After the joke was told one of the boys looked at me and noticed I was the only one not laughing. He looked at me and asked "wait are you black Ilana?" I was caught off guard. I didn't see this coming and I had no idea how to react. If I admitted to being part black I would be committing social suicide, in my mind at least. The words came out of me like throw up, every single one with revulsion and disgust. "No" I said "why would you think that?"

"Well what are you then your dark as hell?"

I quickly said the first thing that came to my head "Puerto Rican." After that I noticed everyone in the lab turn away and continue their computer games almost in relief. When