Drving

Life on the Freeway

While driving on America's vast freeway system, you will observe and have to interact with many new species and subspecies of drivers, many of which have remained unnamed by public officials. Note, I did use the Latin or scientific names in describing these drivers, because there are too many common or vulgar names for them to be properly identified. The following are some species I have recently discovered, Tailus gatus, whose evolution is in dispute, is probably descended from an insecure proto-ape, who was shy and wanted to be safe close behind the lead proto-ape. Tailus gatus goes from car to car, always maintaining the minimum distance between its car and its temporary lead car. No cure has yet been found for the rude behavior of Tailus gatus. Beautiuous parlorius, usually a female, but recently increasingly male. can be observed grooming and applying makeup at 65 miles per hour, using the rear view mirror to admire their latest facial configuration. Little heed is granted to other vehicles' presence, unless their drivers glance over in appreciation.

Boomis boxis, whose stereo system is so loud that a nearby low-level atomic blast would hardly be noticed, can be observed on many freeways. This self-centered adolescent twit is "Cruising down the road, diggin' the tunes" with not a care in the world, especially in terms of watching other drivers. It is even more unfortunate to be stuck next to Boomis boxis at a traffic light, where he is more than willing to "share his tunes" with hapless nearby drivers. Fortunately, Boomis boxis is usually not a speeder, since he is so focused on his music that he forgets that the central purpose of American freeways is to allow drivers to practice their racing skills for to qualify for the annual Indianapolis 500 mile Memorial Day race.

Slidus onus is closely related to the previously described Slidus officus. Slidus onus enters freeways without even acknowledging drivers who are already there.

Slidus onus aroundis is a subspecies of Slidus onus. He can be observed entering the freeway directly behind you. His rude trick is to try to cut around you as you enter a freeway. Somehow, he feels that he has the right to get up to dangerously fast speeds to cut around you.

Twinus lanus, the speeding subspecies who travel in pairs, both trying to merge without signaling or even glancing into the same unoccupied center lane from opposite edge lanes, can be comical in their behavior, if it wasn't so dangerous and stupid. Sort of the modern version of the 1950's teenage driving game of "chicken." Twinus lanus subspecies members compete to see who can be the most oblivious driver.

Cellus phonus is a new, highly obnoxious species of freeway driver. He make cellular telephone calls when he should be watching the road. The results of this behavior are all too predictable: statistics show that their accident rate is about six times that of the general driver population. Cellus phonus can be observed chatting away while cursing down the freeway. They are rarely concerned about anything except their conversational chat-mate.

Drivus drinkus seemed to be slowing dying out (no pun intended) from the current roster of species of American drivers. Their traditional mode was to have several drinks at a local bar and then have the "one for the road." And then they would hit the road - sometimes literally. Speedis speedis is the quintessential fast driver. Nobody will get from point A to point B faster than Speedis speedis, dead or alive.

Slowus pokus is an increasingly rare species of driver in America. It is usually older and is often seen driving a large late model American sedan. They usually confine their slow and very cautious driving techniques to the far right lane of a freeway, but sometimes venture into the middle or fast lanes, causing allergic reactions from some of the other drivers, especially Tailus gatus and Speedis speedis.

Neckus rubberus is another traditional species of slow driver. It can usually be observed in very scenic tourist areas, but sometimes seems to crop up in large numbers at accident sites along the freeway. Glaris lightus is usually observed driving or aiming a two-wheel vehicle, that is, a motorcycle. These drivers have adopted the unpleasant habit of driving in broad daylight with their high-beam headlights on. Ostensibly, this is for safety, but actually is just another macho maneuver as they race down the freeway, weaving from lane to lane. When the traffic slows down,