Filter Theory

Friendships & Love: 300 Point Filter Theory

Following is an essay written to provoke thought and discussion regarding selecting potential friends and especially that special someone. It may help you save time and emotions, and help you avoid getting into unhealthy relationships (filter people in and out of your life). The following theory and concepts are based on personal experiences, conversations with many people, and spending time thinking about what I believe is one of the most important decisions in one's life - deciding whether or not someone you meet could potentially become that special someone - one's girlfriend/boyfriend and eventually one's wife or husband. I do not claim to be a relationship expert, I am far from it. The following theory best works for people at an age ready and willing to contemplate being in a serious relationship. Also, it may be helpful in selecting friends. I have shared the following with many people and not everyone has agreed with me. Likewise, it has helped many people analyze their current and past relationships. I suggest that you simply read and think about the following - it may hopefully encourage you and your friends to engage in lively conversations.

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QUESTIONS TO PONDER:

Most of us know people who are or have been in unhealthy long-term relationships or marriages. Do you know someone who seems to be dating their partner for the wrong reasons? The definition of 'wrong reasons' is relative, of course. Do you know someone in a relationship who 'likes' his or her partner but is not 'attracted' to him or her? Conversely, do you know someone who is attracted, but is not compatible with his or her partner? Have you seen couples that seem to 'exist' but not 'live?' Does it make logical sense that some couples stay together as if there was no one else in the world to be with? It seems like people sometimes try to fit a round peg in a square hole - it does not work!

How would you feel if you found out that your partner liked you mostly or only for your personality, profession, belongings, family, etc., but was not attracted to you? Conversely, have you been in a relationship where you simply did not get along, but you were sexually attracted to each other? Have you dated people 'temporarily', while knowing that it most probably would not work out? Did your partner feel the same about you, like you felt about him or her? Have you dated people you were not attracted to when you first saw them, but found yourself becoming attracted to them after you got to know them better? Likewise, have people walked in front of you (at a dance, for example) and you did not notice them, only to eventually meet and date them later? How flattering is it when someone tells their partner that they were not attracted to him or her when they first met, but they eventually learned to love them as time passed?

Have you ever noticed when one person in a couple 'sneeks a peak' and checks out someone else? Although it is natural to look at attractive women or men, even while being in a relationship, it is wrong when it seems like they are 'looking for someone else, probably someone better.'

THOUGHTS TO PONDER:

Such situations are sad because it makes you wonder why people are with their partners; the honorable thing would be to leave the relationship and then make yourself available to meet that someone special. It is not right to 'lead someone else on'; it is deceptive, time-consuming, and hurtful. I believe that 'mentally cheating' is almost as bad as physically dating outside a relationship. I have had discussions with people who seem willing to compromise their personal values and standards by dating the 'wrong person' or hanging out with people who are not 'friends' simply to avoid being alone. Some couples seem to compensate attraction for compatibility, and vice-versa. Some people have dated their partners for months or even years, although deep inside they knew or felt that their relationship would not work out. We only live once, and life is too short to spend it with someone you are not attracted to AND compatible with. Each of us deserves the best; please do not settle for anything less. Have you ever seen older couples that act like teenagers in love? Wouldn't you like to be in a similar relationship throughout the rest of your life? Also, one's dating years, and especially a woman's child-bearing years, are limited. I believe that one must be selective with who one selects as one's friends, and especially with who one dates seriously. It seems like many people probably spend more time and energy shopping for clothes than they do thinking about (or talking about) what they really want and deserve in a relationship. Thus, I have compiled these questions and thoughts to help others figure out what may be best for ourselves in terms of relationships.

DEFINITIONS:

Following are a few of my personal definitions that may help you understand the following theory and concepts.

SPARK - I believe this is extremely important. The spark, that ONE PERCENT, that either exists or does not when two people meet, can make or break a budding relationship. I do not believe in love at first sight. I believe in attraction at first sight - and it MUST be mutual! Imagine or remember when you noticed that special someone from across a crowded room, as if no one else existed, and he or she noticed you. It is a beautiful feeling - something to treasure and build on.ATTRACTION - Attraction is not just a visual or physical thing. It's about being attracted to another's 'energy'. For example-walk into a crowded room and pay attention to whom you find yourself attracted to. Ask yourself why you find that person attractive, out of everyone in the crowded room. Note there is a major difference between attractive 'good-looking' people and those one finds attractive. All that matters is