Freewrite

This piece is nothing but the contents of my brain. It is the regurgitation of the thoughts and philosophies that have gathered dust in my mind through the months I've been idle. This whole thought process was ignited by a "dйjÐo vu" that occurred Saturday the 9th. Years ago I would attend parties and, instead of gargling down mass amounts of alcohol or dabbling in illegal substances, I observed and analyzed the people around me. Doing this gave me a deeper understanding of myself and I was a better person for it. Since then, I had succumbed to peer pressure and was right in the middle of the alcohol consumption at each party. But somehow, last Saturday, I found myself back in time:

I was at some random party the other day and for once I opted not to drink or be under the influence of some brain cell depleting drug. It seemed I was the only sober and fully functioning individual among these kids. I looked around me and I realized that everyone was running from something, from someone. And this lifestyle - the alcohol, the drugs, the partying, the gathering just to have some sort of human interaction, longing to show off just to feel better about oneself - all of this allowed them to get away. It's almost sad. But almost like looking into a huge mirror. They were all broken in a sense, like me, but with different masks to cover their true selves. It was quite odd and I found myself staring at these drunken bastards, trying to figure out what it was they were running away from. It was sort of amusing. Everything was so plastic and fake - all the smiles, the hugs, the hellos and goodbyes. It was all meaningless.

I'm so sick of everything. I try to change my environment but it's the same. I feel helpless in my own downward spiral. I can't figure things out. I'm trying, I'm trying with every strength of my being, but every effort seems futile. It feels like my little world is caving, sorry to be clichй, but that's what it feels like. I try to separate myself from that reckless lifestyle, but I end up alone and left with too much time alone with my thoughts. So I go back and I just feel so incompetent around all these kids. I know my actions and self-pity is inexcusable, yet I allow myself to fall prey to the adolescent curse, which is to fuck up immensely. I know in my mind I can be better, yet in my sorry attempt to feel normal, I choose to join the flock of pigeons. So here