Funny Paper On 2004 Presidential Race

The Presidency

Once every four years there is something called an election for the Presidency and what it comes down to is three men that will go all out to be the President. These men include George W. Bush, John Kerry, and Ralf Nader.

All three of them looked straight in each other's eyes and were gazing at me as I took one step backward. We were in the White House deciding who should be the President. I would have shot them if I had not had that struggle with George W. Bushes dog that I shot to death. That dog's bite was hard and I had no choice, who knows, it could have been a terrorist. Ralf Nader wasn't anything big either being the one who is hoggish and always has to use the can leaving behind the smell of the reeking and rotten power of my mom, who's dead carcass is probably full of worms by now. "Rock, paper, scissors," we said and Bush had won. In anger Nader and I beat Bush till he couldn't feel his legs. Who am I you might say, well I am Spiderman, no I'm just messing with you I'm John Kerry. And the war I'm involved with is something that has never reached the public, called the war of the parties.

After the Bush beating I ran off to my spaceship that I hide in the pentagon, yeah everybody always wonders what is in there. Once up the hard metal stairs to the ship, something didn't look right, someone might have been in here. I searched the dirt on the ground and felt vigorously for a sign of footprints; it was all full of rigged rocks that seemed to cause much friction between my hand and the dirt. The smell of war made my nose shrink, it smelled Dick Cheney let out dirty, squishy, and stammering gas. Good thing there is a vent in the starship that my crew and I have to fight with. For some reason there ended up being dirt on the ground of my spaceship, can't figure out why. The only problem is that the Republicans have one too and so do the people from the green party which is mostly hippies cause they thought that there being a green party meant something else. We lifted out of our starship and into space in a few minutes trying to hide from those dirty Republicans that hunt us down.

"Sir the Republicans are coming on our position fast," said some guy I used to beat on in high school.

"Who cares son, why don't you go to that locker that you belong in," I said to that stupid guy.

"Yeah well when I make this software called Microsoft, you will be sorry."

"Yeah I will be sorry by the time that I give a terd."

Just then the Republicans shot out elephants at my Democratic ship and the ship hurled towards the ground headed for something called the Light Star, which is like the Death Star in Star Wars except a lot brighter to the eyes and has lots of Twinkies in it, where all the Star Trek nerds go to be geeks. Around the Light Star is a huge jungle that has dinosaurs around it and the only way through is a flat plain. When the ship hit the ground everyone died except me cause I had just been doing lots of Bowflex that creates hard abs that reflected the fiery explosion. Then out of nowhere the Jurassic Park people came out and scared me.

"Hey you're John Kerry that jerk that everybody hates," said Peter.

"Well how about you shut up little boy cause your mom is a tramp," I said and I bit off the little boys