Hairball

Many girls proclaim their most cherished feature that they could not bear to live without would be their hair. You would just perish if you didn't have your beautiful, luscious, highlighted to perfection locks. If this is the case for you, then your worst nightmare is without a doubt, the hairball.

This minivan sized mop of greasy, tangled, debris filled hair has an uncanny ability to move more gracefully than an Olympic figure skater. Once he catches the scent of clean, freshly washed hair, his colossal, screwed up, gleaming blood red eyes come into focus and he is on the move. Any Bumble and Bumble spray applied will only further agitate this monster to seek you and your lustrous tresses out. His mission of existence is to annihilate your precious crown of curls and transform it into the most disgusting, tangled mess you have ever seen. Once he has found you, his cracked, russet, leathery lips encompass your entire head, and before you can even blink, you are completely bald. Do not attempt to rescue your once gorgeous hair. It is already part of the nasty, knotted, oily disaster of tar black, mud brown, and ancient gray strands swiftly escaping into the abyss.

Unfortunately, the hairball strikes without warning and unavoidable. The only way to pass by him unnoticed is to disguise your hair in the same stench he possesses. So, on garbage day this week, just dunk your head into the nearest trashcan. Most people don't like the smell of rotten bananas and moldy bread, but hopefully you have good friends. If not, you should start shopping for a wig on eBay right now.