I Was Raped By My Teacher

Ken was my voice teacher. I never admired anyone more than him. He meant the world to me. It would be safe to say that we did not have a typical teacher/student relationship. I was infatuated with him. He was tall dark and had the voice of an angel. But he was eleven years older than I was, and he was my teacher. I learned from him, I confided in him, and I trusted him. I never pictured myself being with him. I never dreamt he would think of me as a 'woman' and not just a love-stricken seventeen year-old vocal student.

When I began my lessons with Ken, they took place at school, but then somewhere down the line, he wanted them to be at his house. He was the teacher, and I was told that you never argued with what the teacher had to say. Our next lesson, I showed up at his house at 1:00 sharp, ready to sing. I had never been to his house before, and I was a little nervous about seeing it. However, when he opened the door and greeted me with his cute little smile, I knew there was nothing to be nervous about. We started our lesson by singing a few songs for fun (we always sang duets together). He said that I wasn't singing my best and asked if I was stressed. Of course I was stressed! I was the lead in our school musical and it would open in two weeks. "One can never reach their full potential when they are stressed," he said, as he began to rub my shoulders. This was weird for me, but like I said, he was the teacher, and you never argue with the teacher. We finished our lesson, I thanked him and I was on my way out. Before I left though, he took my face in his hands, and he kissed me goodbye. I didn't really know what to do. Had that just happened? Did he just kiss me? Did I kiss him back? Is that wrong? He's too old! I'm too young! He's my teacher! We spoke on the phone several times that week, but never brought up the kiss. It was just hanging out there-in limbo. I figured that since he hadn't mentioned it, it meant nothing, and we would just go on being what we were-friends.

The next week, I went to his house for my lesson again. When I went into the living room, the keyboard wasn't there. Ken said that he had been practicing last night before he went to sleep, and left it in his bedroom, so we'd just have the lesson in there. Again, he is the teacher, and you don't argue with the teacher. I followed him into the bedroom and started getting my books out. Suddenly, he threw me onto the bed and assaulted me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't realize what was happening. I was terrified, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The assault happened, and afterwards he sent me home with a threat that if anyone ever found out, no one would believe me and I would be "finished". I took that threat to heart and didn't mention my assault for close to six months.

I was a changed person-a very unpleasant and deathly unhappy person. I shut out those who were closest to me and I turned away from the helping hand of the Lord. I felt that for some reason, my life wouldn't get any worse, and it couldn't get any better. I was living in a zone, a zone of nothingness. I was letting what were supposed to be the "happiest times of my life" pass me by without a second thought. Instead of going to the movies and hanging out with my friends, I stayed at home and felt sorry for myself. In doing so, I robbed myself, my family and my friends of the happiness we deserved. I didn't listen to anyone who wanted to help me, and I did not let anyone listen to me. When I cried, I cried because I felt scared, and alone, but I would not let anyone get close enough to help me through my pain.

Eventually, my daily routine of sulking around, and trying not to be noticed became so dull that I could not stand it. I was lost. I did not know what I was supposed to do anymore. Who would help me now, after I had pushed everyone so far away? Ken said they wouldn't believe me, so why even report? But I knew that I had to do something, because I saw who his next victim would be. He had gotten a new student to take my place...and I was not going to let this happen to her as well. I decided I had to tell what Ken had done to me. I didn't know who to tell, or what to tell, or even when to tell. All I knew was why I had to tell. My case made me very aware of what a problem sexual assault is in the world today, and it also made me aware of how overlooked sexual assault is.

Now, two years later, I want to do something to change that. The jury found Ken not guilty after a long and grueling court process. After all I went through, it came down to the fact that there was no physical evidence that he had assaulted me. He is a free man, with the knowledge and the power to assault many more unsuspecting victims in the years to come. I was outraged when I heard the verdict! Nevertheless, I will not be victimized again, and I will do my very best to see to it that no one else will have to suffer as I did. If I cannot stop Ken, I will use my knowledge to try to prevent other assailants.

Many people do not know the facts about sexual assault. One reason why many are so ill informed is apathy about the topic. Before I was a victim, I did not want to take the time to learn the facts. Why should I care? Coming from a small town, I thought that it would never happen to me or any one I knew, so I just didn't want to learn the facts. To this day, I regret that apathy with all of my heart. I believe that had I taken the time to learn the facts, my assault might not have happened.

Because of what I have learned, I think that sexual assault awareness programs should be offered as mandatory seminars at Millikin for each incoming freshman to attend. Such seminars will inform students on the facts of sexual assault, and use testimonials from assault survivors to relate those facts to the student's lives. They will encourage women to protect themselves and to demand respect, and simultaneously teach men that respecting a woman is more attractive than assaulting one. Through these seminars, Millikin can put the fairy tale that so many women have lived with for so long to rest - the feeling that "it will never happen to me." As much as I hope and pray another female will never be assaulted, I know that this is an unrealistic thought. Women will get assaulted,