Inside The World Of Boys

Inside the World of Boys

Timmy is eight years old and was participating in this first-ever track competition. Just before he would have finished third in the race, Timmy fell flat on his face in front of the audience. Small for his age, Timmy did not know what to do except to get up and feel absolutely embarrassed. His mother immediately rushed down the bleachers to console his son. “Not here, Mom,” he said. Later, his mother can hear him whisper to himself while trying to restrain his tears, “big boys don’t cry.”

Twelve years later, Timmy does not regret telling his mother that he did not need her console. However, he no longer hides his emotion. Instead, he expresses them freely to friends, family and college advisor. I am Timmy.

Often time, boys avoid expressing feelings because of boys are shame-phobic. Because shame is such an undesirable experience, most boys (and men) will do anything to avoid the possibility of experience it (Pollack 33). Society often underestimates all the emotional needs of boys. Many of the boys today live behind a mask of masculine bravado that hides the genuine self to conform to our society’s expectations (Pollack 5). Boys are taught at a very young age to be more independent or their peers will call the sissies and make fun of them (Pollack 21). We restrict how much affection boys show one another and that boys are less in need of friends, close personal bonds, or connections. One can say being a guy is hard because society expects guys not talk about their feelings and that guys are supposed to deal with everything themselves. Statistic has shown that when girl infants expressed painful states, mothers responded only twenty-two percent of the time, but when their sons showed negative feelings, the ignored them altogether (Pollack 41). Boys are encouraged not to talk about problems, especially problems that expose their feelings of worry, doubt, or sadness, for fear of seen as weak, vulnerable, or needy-traits of femininity (Pollack 185).

Our society taboos boys’ affection as a whole. In an example given by Dr. Pollack, two third-graders, Charlie and Tommy, became fast friends and discovered that they were going to be in the same class together in the following school year. On the first day of school, Charlie excitedly flung himself across the room and gave Charlie a heartfelt hug. Their homeroom teacher turned around and saw it as “struggling and fighting.” She sent both to the principal’s office. The principal told them that such sexualized behavior was inappropriate and gave a letter to each student to bring home (Pollack 183-184). This assumption that boy’s friendship was sexually inappropriate is hardly unusual. This misguided perception, a form of homophobia, might push some boys to turn to drugs and alcohol, substance temporarily mute the shame they feel about their genuine longings for friendship, love, and affection.

The definition of masculinity often time is the scorning of femininity. The “Boy Code,” an outdated and constricting assumptions, models, and rules about boys that our society has used since the nineteenth century (Pollack 6), is still being taught in sandboxes, playgrounds, classrooms by peers, coaches, and just about everybody else. The “Boy Code” can be summarized in four injunctions: “sturdy oak”, “Give вЂ?em hell” “the вЂ?big wheelвЂ™Ð²Ð‚Ñœ, and “no sissy stuff.” “Sturdy oak” teaches them to be stoic, stable, and independent (Pollack 23). “Give вЂ?em hell” is about the stance based on a false self, or extreme daring, bravado, and attraction to violence (Pollack 24). “The вЂ?big wheelвЂ™Ð²Ð‚Ñœ teaches them the to achieve status, dominance, and power, the “big wheel” refers to the way in which boys and men are taught to avoid shame at all costs (Pollack 24). “No sissy stuff” teaches them boys and men is the literally gender straitjacket that prohibits boys from expressing feelings (Pollack 24). This “Boy Code” puts boys and men into a gender straitjacket that constrains not only them but everyone else, reducing us all as human beings, and eventually making us strangers to ourselves and to one another, or not as strongly connected to one another as we long to be (Pollack 6).

I agree with a lot of the things pointed out in these articles and I feel that Dr. William Pollack was on point in his studies. He gave excellent examples to show aspects one might have as an adolescent male such as: avoiding shame, and just being “masculine.”

In “Stories of Shame: The Haunting Trauma of Separation,” he broke down the boy code into four injunctions that I found was true. I realized the rules of the “Boy Code” were in fact taught everywhere by just about everyone growing up: “toughen up”, “be cool”, “don’t be a baby” were words I heard the most. As a young boy, I was taught that staying close to my mother is something shameful. I knew should not run to my mother immediately if something is wrong, but that is all I could do as my father worked long hours.

I related the “Anger: The OK Male Emotion” section the most, anger was a constant issue growing up as I thought it was the only feeling I was allow to show. I constantly broke things around the house, pulled the