Its Hard To Pick Favorites

Its Hard to Pick Favorites

Anna walks in the door hesitantly and the nurse urges her in. She makes sure I'm awake and then goes back to get something. She comes in with our duffel bag of art supplies. I start to tell her that it's not the time, but I stop myself. She doesn't say a word, but hops up on my bed and pulls out a fresh canvas. She starts to color, and I just sit and watch her.

That day was a dreary, cold, and miserable. I woke up to the soft tapping of the rain against my window. I pulled myself out of bed to start my day. I went through my morning routine of showering, getting ready, getting the kids up, and making breakfast. I walked into my daughter's room and turned on the light. I shook Anna to wake her up. I then went into my son's room. I immediately smiled at his little body curled up in a ball. I jumped on his bed making him laugh. I asked him what he wanted for breakfast, and he sleepily replied pancakes. I went down in the kitchen to make warm, fluffy pancakes and smothered them in rich, thick syrup.

I watch Anna bend over her masterpiece in deep concentration. Her eyes glaze over the canvas at her work, and I smile at her. We weren't supposed to have a girl. When they delivered Anna, I told them that she wasn't mine. I told them that I had a boy. They just laughed and handed me a girl while I cried. I didn't even have a name picked out. I looked over to the nurse helping me. Her name was Anna. Well I guess I'll name her Anna. We needed a boy. My husband was in the military, and he had plans all picked out for his son. There was no daughter in the picture. It was just Tom, Ryan, and I. I grew to love Anna eventually; Of course you always love your firstborn. The truth of it is, Anna grew up in the shadows. I figured there was a switch up at the hospital. She didn't look like Tom or I, and didn't act like us. She had dark brown hair and brown eyes. She was quiet and read all the time. She did have my artistic talent though and that's the part I loved about her.

After breakfast, we headed off to school. I opened up my white minivan and buckled up my kids. It was terrible driving weather. The rain splattered hard against my car. I knew I'd be late for work with all the traffic. I headed towards the major intersection of Manchester and Baxter. I waited my turn in line. Ryan and Anna fought over the radio. "Anna, let your brother pick the station." I said. While I waited, I saw the historical Manchester Bridge over an overflowed creek. Finally I got my turn and turned my head to yield. The light to the opposing traffic turned red. All right, I could go. I slowly pulled out, and I didn't see the black ford 150 run the red light. It was already too late to avoid it. I heard the loud crunch of metal and felt the slipping of the wheels trying to grasp the pavement. Inside I was screaming; I heard my kids screaming. Did I buckle them up? What if they unbuckled? Would everything be ok? I saw the white picket fence, that stupid, weak, white picket fence that won't support a car plummeting through it. I heard the crack; I felt my stomach drop like I was on a rollercoaster. I looked down to see the water getting closer and closer. Oh god this was it. I took one last look to Ryan, my beautiful sweet Ryan. Then darknessÐ'...

The nurse comes into my room.

"Would you like these windows up, Mrs. Hanks, It's such a pretty day," she asks.

"I don't care," I say in response.

Anna interrupts and asks me what I think of her art. It was a picture of a young boy crying. I don't even have to think about it before I start crying. Tom and I tried for years to get a son and when we did we double checked with the doctor that he was a boy. Tom cried when he came into the world. We named him Ryan Samuel Hanks. We did the whole deal for him. We even got his baby shoes posted on a plaque. Tom and I started young with Ryan. He was already smart, but we began teaching him everything. Tom would get up early to make sure Ryan was active and in shape. I taught him his alphabet when he was a year and a half. I took time off to raise Ryan. The nanny wasn't even to change one diaper on my son.

I heard voices and screaming. I felt the trickle of warm blood on my forehead. I was being shaken. I slowly opened my eyes, and then everything flooded back into my mind. I was dangling from my seatbelt and someone was trying to free me. I looked down at my legs. Oh god, then darknessÐ'...I heard sirens. I felt pain in so many places. Were my Kids ok? I slowly opened my eyes. I was still in the car. I could only mutter one thing, Ryan. They avoided my glance. I screamed it this time RYAN! They ripped my body from the car. My legs were smashed, but something was so much worse. I looked ten feet from the car and there was Ryan. Blood was splattered all over the rocks, and he was curled up, like this morning when I woke him up. I almost thought it was a dream. I imagined my alarm clock going off. I was pulled back into reality by the people telling me that Anna was fine and waiting to see me. I brushed it off. They tried to stop me, but I moved as fast as I possibly could to my baby. The life had already slipped from his little body. I was in shock. Inside I was dying; it felt like someone ripped out my heart. I grabbed him and held him tight in my arms crying, begging him to come back. The whole world drowns out, then darkness.

I heard the voices of a calm nurse. I felt the warm sheets underneath me. Where was I? I slowly opened my eyes. I saw the face of my husband. He was slouched over with his hands covering his face. He never cries.

I cannot stop crying. I tell Anna to leave. I yell at her to get out. I see the confusion in her eyes as she runs out. I look at her picture again and I throw it at the window. My husband comes in with a look of disappointment.

"Anna came to me crying, saying you yelled at her. Jamie it's been hard for all of us. You can't blame it on Anna," said my husband in a soft gentle voice.

"I can blame it on whoever I want. It shouldn't have been Ryan." I say with anger in my voice.

"Are you saying it should have been Anna?" replies my husband in shock.

I don't answer. Instead I look out the window.

"Who are you?" my husband mutters in disgust.

"You know you loved Ryan more too, so don't act like I'm the bad