Poetic Terms

Subject: School lunches

Niceville, FL--- Julie Simmons, a junior at Niceville Senior High School, was reported to have died on campus on February 3, 2017. “Multiple cases of comatose students have transpired in previous months,” said Head Lunch Lady Carci Nogen, “We often find them with half-eaten pieces of lunch food still in their mouths, but we still have no idea what’s inducing their comas. Over the past few months, we’ve been required to administer colonoscopies to some of the students due to intestinal obstruction.” But despite these cases, Nogen had never even considered the possibility of a student dying.

Julie Simmons’ body was first seen slumped in the far corner of the cafeteria after hours on Friday. According to the lunch monitor, who asked not to be identified, he assumed that Julie had only been sleeping. “I saw Julie laying her head in the mashed potatoes and I thought ‘Aww, She must be sleeping!’” he stated in an interview. However, the abnormally strong smell of rotting flesh on Monday made it pretty clear that she was not just sleeping.

The initial autopsy of Julie’s body uncovered an alarming problem; lunch food provided by the school had been sitting in her stomach completely undigested for over six years. Coroners reported that the gradual buildup of inorganic substance in her body was what brought about her untimely demise. Professional Abby Nothrin said, “This isn’t the only school to have reported deaths of students due to the inability to digest lunches, and all preventive measures taken have failed.”

With such recent circumstances at the high school, there appears to be no end in sight for these tragedies. According to sophomore Simon Abernathy, “Yeah, I’ve heard about her death; but I guess the only thing that can be done about it is to continue to wait for ten minutes in a cafeteria line and eat chalky