Pre-Martial Counseling

Pre-Martial Counseling

As I begin this paper I ask myself the question many other individuals ask themselves why do pre-martial counseling? Pre-martial counseling is important because it provides a foundation for a stable marriage that produces mentally and emotionally healthy children who are capable of developing wholesome relationships with others and thereby build the kingdom of God. It is important to understand that the Christian character we need in the church as well as society is developed in the mental, emotional, and social just as much as the spiritual conditions of the home. Since the home is founded on the union of man and woman in marriage, it should be taken very seriously. Pre-martial counseling enables couples to understand the importance and permanence of marriage.

There is a huge need for stability in the marriage relationship, not only on the personal level but also on the broader scope as well. Today with half of all marriages ending in divorce everyone has been impacted in some capacity. Studies show that children from divorced homes are more likely to be victims of abuse. They typically have more health and behavioral issues, and emotional problems, are commonly involved in crime and drug abuse, and more likely to commit suicide and also to divorce themselves. Even if the divorce ends on good terms, it tears apart the family, which directly impacts American society.

A lot of marriages are doomed to failure before they ever begin because of the impossible subconscious expectations people take into marriage. The internal issue of divorce does not begin when the couples grow angry, bitter, resentful or hateful and decide to get a divorce, but much earlier, even from their past childhood experiences and dysfunction in their families. The answer to defer this ongoing problem is not how to prevent divorce, but is found in how to promote marriage. The problem is not marriage itself, rather it is found in the individuals within the marriage and their attitudes toward it. Marriage has changed from a sacred institution in the world's eyes to a companionship arrangement. The problem with this mentality is they end up with a roommate, not a relationship. They approach marriage as a roll of the dice if they get seven's then it is great if not then they will leave and try again somewhere else.

Dr. Tom Ellis, chairman of the Southern Baptist Convention Council on the family said that for "born-again Christian couples who marry...in the church after having pre-martial counseling...and attended church regularly and prayed daily together experience only 1 divorce out of nearly 39,000 marriages." Therefore, the purpose of pre-martial counseling is to promote good marriage through a biblical perspective and foundation. This therefore, makes biblical pre-martial counseling not the total answer against bad marriages and divorce, but a defensive weapon and a positive foundation in which to begin a relationship with another individual.

Finally, it is also important to recognize that the dating relationship is designed to conceal, rather than reveal, information. Individuals want to be attractive to the other, so they hide their bad habits and flaws. If a bride and groom enter marriage with a hidden agenda of expectations, there will be painful surprises. Therefore, that is why pre-martial counseling is vital to engaged couples. It provides guidance from trained clergy, or a trained professional to help couples to learn to communicate, and deal with finances, conflict, sexual issues and family of origin issues and other questions before the marriage. Furthermore, by doing this the couple have no surprises to be detrimental to

their beginning years of marriage. The couple must understand that a good and long marriage takes work. That is why pre-martial counseling is designed to teach and educate the couple about the dynamics and basic skills of a successful, long term marriage. This guidance helps the couples work through their differences and enter marriage with confidence.

Finally, in the remainder of this paper will be my Biblical pre-martial counseling format consisting of six to seven sessions, and one session in detail.

SESSION I (50 to 60 minutes)

A. Acquaintance- find out about the couple, age, hobbies, religion, martial status.

Explain what the pre-martial counseling sessions will consist of.

B. Acquisition- discuss the wedding date, time, place, director, etc;

C. Affirmation- Why do you want to get married?

1. Do you really love this person? Is it cognitive or affective?

a. Cognitive-based on knowledge and respect involves thinking.

b. Affective-based upon feelings, responsibility, care.

c. Get each individual to express or explain their love for the other.

D. Assessment- what are the personality dynamics of the couple.

1. Have them fill out the compatibility profile test.

2. Each individual has a personality.

3. Each marriage will have a personality.

Sources. Marriage Personalities, by David Field; Prepare/Enrich; TJTA; The Couple's Profile: Alive Ministries PO Box 2006, Largo Florida 34649.

SESSION II (50 to 60 minutes) ASSESMENT OF PERSONALITY TRAITS

A. Report and discuss the results of the personality profile test.

a. Discuss that each person and marriage will have a personality.

B. By the results the counselor will be able to detect and discuss any presenting problems.