Rre Essay

Title of essay: RRE Essay

Date: 4/18/16

Dear Author:

Thank you for allowing me to read your essay and analyze the actions of deindividuation.  I was unaware of this term and you had taught me and helped me understand what this idea means; I have seen this in many situations throughout my life and now having knowledge of the term, I can relate to this idea very much. I also was able to relate to both of your stories, because I was at both the Big Sean concert and all the Ohio State football games. I feel that your essay had a lot of relationship to current students and many students would be interested in reading this because they can relate well to the essay and the situations that you talk about. Students could also learn a new term and be aware of this occurrence for future situations. With all this in mind, although the essay was very relatable and opens a readers thinking, there are some changes I would like to recommend that would strengthen your argument.

Overall, I would say your argument about deindividuation is compelling, however, it is a little confusing and unclear at some points. I’m personally a little confused on what to take away from your argument about deindividuation. There is no argument or suggestions on what to do about deindividuation. At one point you say “I don’t want you to turn into a counter-culture anti conformist”, but you never really explain what you should do instead in certain situations. I understand you are arguing against conforming to do things that you wouldn’t do by yourself, but what suggestions are there instead of doing this. Should you just not go to the events, should you not surround yourself with people who act like this, or should you just not participate and look like “the anti-conformist”? This argument is captivating, but there’s just really no suggestions on what you should do instead.  

There are also great examples that are very relatable, but kind of lose the sense of your argument.  I understand what you are trying to do as a writer by giving good thorough situations in which this idea occurs, however, at some points your message is unclear. In some of the examples, such as the concert and at the football games, I get confused on whether you are arguing to avoid deindividuation or what exactly the argument is. These stories are very lengthy and sometimes don’t really give much of an argument; they more just come off as stories with no concluding idea.  At the end of the essay you sort of clarify why the examples are given, however, I would suggest that throughout the examples you explain why exactly deindividuation isn’t a good thing to conform to. When you talk about conforming to the crowd, explain why this is a bad thing. It is also not very clear on why this is a bad thing if it not causing harm. In some of your examples your description might actually sound fun to a reader and your examples might make a counterargument without clarification of what parts are problematic.  Some college students might find it fun to be able to “lose their shy identity” at a football game and be someone who yells and is passionate at football games. Overall, I would say that your argument makes sense, however, it is a little unclear at some points why exactly deindividuation is bad and it might come off as a counterargument at some points in your paper.

Throughout the paper there are also some confusing grammar and sentences that are slightly confusing. Right at the beginning of the intro paragraph sentences are a little choppy and confusing. Possibly combine the first two sentences into one and make sure to possibly readjust some of the wording of the explanation of the date. Also add questions marks such as “You may as why this date is important?”. There are also some misused words such as “all the football parties and celebrations the ensured”.  Finally, it was also unclear what you meant by saying “the happiness that filled all buckeye past, present, and future”.  I don’t understand what you mean by saying this, or what happiness is brought to the past or future exactly.  Other than these few choppy and short sentences/ideas the intro paragraph seemed to flow fairly well after that.

Another thing that I noticed throughout the paper is that there is some unnecessary filler talk. I understand that the paper should sound casual, but sometimes it’s too casual and possibly distracts the point of the essay. One noticeable sentence I noticed was when you were talking about Ohio State football tickets and you have a sentence saying, “Many reading this may not have gotten tickets because it was a small window that opened to buy tickets”. This idea isn’t very necessary and doesn’t have much relevance to the paper. You then later go on to apologize to the reader if they didn’t get tickets. Similar to the Big Sean concert were you talk about “not missing out on much if you missed the concert”, it isn’t very necessary. You shouldn’t apologize if the paper isn’t necessarily relevant to the reader; you should just explain the situation full enough that the reader understands what the situation is like (as you do). Although it does sound a little bit more casual, as this paper is supposed to be, it kind of seems just like filler and irrelevant. Instead of apologizing to the reader if the paper doesn’t have much relevance, possibly explain more of what occurs at these concerts that causes people to act differently than usual.