Seven Steps To Handling Interpersonal Relations

Make no mistake: resolving differences through negotiation is not a logical, linear process. However, this model can serve as a framework for staying on track and learning how and where things go wrong.

These seven steps progress from how you might want to begin an effort to resolve differences to how you'd want to complete that effort. Remember to prepare by writing down your goal before taking your first step. Enjoy the dance!

1. Establish a healthy context

Plan and select the right time, place, and atmosphere to negotiate ... one that fosters mutual respect. Agree to ground rules, if necessary, so both parties feel safe and able to speak openly.

You'll know if you picked the wrong time if you sit there during the conversation asking yourself "Why am I talking about this right now?" Make an appointment or simply wait until the right moment. Ask others to do the same.

2. Tap into motivation

Mutual motivation is prerequisite to effective negotiation.

If they have a positional or situational power advantage, appeal to their self-interest (match their values) to motivate them to join you at the negotiation table and grant power to the conversation.

If you have more positional or situational power (youÐ'ÐŽÐ'¦re "one up"), temporarily suspend that privilege to "empower" the other party through inclusion. Share the commodities of power so they actively participate in getting to an agreement. Be direct and forthcoming. Speak plainly. Clarify your intention to "work it out" and ask for them to hold you accountable to standards and guidelines.

People use power differently -- passive avoiders hold onto interpersonal power (they might need it later), authoritarians use power over others, accommodators give it up, while collaborators go for power with others, or "shared power." WhatÐ'ÐŽÐ'¦s your most and least familiar style? Who are you working with and whatÐ'ÐŽÐ'¦s their natural style? See the Interpersonal and Leadership Styles discussion for details.

3. Remember your Goal

Before the conversation begins, ask yourself "What do I want?" If what you want is likely to be unacceptable to the other person (your "position"), then ask yourself "What would it do for me if I had that?" Be clear about how you'd know if you achieved your desired outcome.

Because you write down your goal in terms of wants, actual needs (interests, motivation, core values, or criteria), options and alternatives, all you need do during the discussion is to recollect what you wrote down and then ....

4. Discover their Goal

Build rapport as you gather information about what they want. Be curious and interested. Focus first on understanding and defining any problems or issues, then shift to pinpointing their priorities and interests. Ask "What would that do?" "how," and "when" questions -- avoid "why."