Skills Project--Shyness

INTRODUCTION:

All my life I have been shy. Also, all my life I've been hearing people

say, "She will grow out of it." I'm 20 years old and the shyness is still here. As a kid

you can get by being shy but as an adult, shyness can hold you back in many aspects of

your life.

DESCRIBING PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR:

After two weeks of recording my behaviors I've come to realize in what

situations my shyness comes into play most often. There are very few situations that I

feel comfortable with myself, allowing me to speak freely. The only people that I ever

feel at ease with are my own family and friends. Even my own family and friends can

turn me silent in some situations.

Meeting new people is a very hard task for me. Sometimes it feels almost

impossible. My biggest fear of meeting new people is, not knowing what to say. In most

cases I would rather avoid a situation than have to deal with the feeling of not knowing

what to say. 2/6-2/9 I tried to avoid any situation that I thought I could feel awkward

in. Avoidance can be either physical (steering clear of a friend after having an

argument, or in my case, steering clear of a friend to avoid the chance of any awkward

situation) or conversational (changing the topic, joking, or denying that a problem

exists). (Ch.11-Managing Conflict, p.304) Most shy people would rather avoid the short

term problem of meeting new people and asking for dates, even when the long term goal

of intimate relationships are enticing.

On 1/18 I had a job interview at a new pizza restaurant. My parent's had

been hounding me for months to find a job. The new pizza restaurant that was opening,

the owner happened to be one of my dad's co-workers, so I decided that even though I

hated interviews I would give this one a try. It was 1/18 that the owner had called and

asked for me to come in for an interview that same day. From the moment that I hung

up the phone after agreeing that I would be there at 2:30 I had the same sick feeling I

always got when I was nervous about something. All I could think about was all the

other interviews that I had gone on in the past and never got the job, so that had to be

how this was going to turn out too, that was my self-fulfilling prophecy. A self-fulfilling

prophecy occurs when a person's expectations of an event and her or his subsequent

behavior based on those expectations make the outcome more likely to occur than would

otherwise have been true. (Ch.2 - Communication and the Self, p.37)

One of my biggest weaknesses in communication with others is eye contact.

Eye contact is a nonverbal way of regulating verbal communication. Nonverbal

regulators help control verbal interaction with others. (Ch. 5 - Nonverbal

Communication, p.119) In almost all situations I have a very hard time looking at

people in the eye when I talk or they talk. In all of my two weeks of journaling other

than my online situations I had trouble with eye contact.

Computer-mediated communication provides others with another way to

react. (Ch.1 - Interpersonal Process, p.17) Internet has been proven to be an effective

way for quiet communicators to make contact. Chat rooms, instant messaging, e-mail,

and computer dating services all provide a low threat way to approach others and get

acquainted. (Ch. 7 - Emotions, p. 177) The only time that I don't feel a constant

nervousness around new people is when I am online. When I was online I was able to

get to know Michael and Adam better because I was able to express myself and self-

disclose information about myself. Self-disclosing communication is information about

yourself that is purposefully communicated to another person. (Ch. 9 - Intimacy and

Distance in Relationships, p. 240)

What I think that has affected my level of shyness most in my life is my self-

concept, which is a set of perceptions that I hold on myself. (Ch. 2 - Communication and

the Self, p. 29) I battled with clinical depression for many years, taking almost any self-

esteem I had away. I was living a negative cycle; I had low self-esteem, so I had

negative thoughts of, "I can't do it." Causing me undesirable behaviors (e.g., gives up

easily, won't try), every time to think, "I failed again.". (Ch. 2 - Communication and the

Self, Figure 2.1) This negative cycle was a vicious cycle I lived for many years. As my

self-esteem lowered and lowered the more I kept quiet.

Going through high school I avoided every situation that I felt fear in, at all

costs. It didn't matter what grade I got in a class, what