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Skier for a Day

Survival Tips for the Occasional Skier

by Rich Maloof

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When the telephone rings at 5 a.m., it can only mean one of two things: Someone is calling with terrible news, or someone is calling to say they're on time to pick you up for a day of skiing. For some, it's a fine line.

Winters are for sleeping through, as any bear will tell you, and in truth it's downright unnatural to leave the warmth of your cave for a day--a day off, no less--out in the arctic weather. With your coffee in hand and your long johns already riding too high, you weigh the pros and cons. Pro: Skiing is an opportunity to challenge nature, test gravity and push your athletic limits. Con: You could be fitted for a wheelchair by lunch time. It's a delicate balance.

A three-hour drive in six layers of clothes is nobody's idea of a good time, but they put the mountains far away so you have time to rethink these things. You may very well decide the money it costs to go skiing would be better spent chartering a plane to fly someplace warm. But for those intrepid novices headed downhill fast, we've consulted the Skier's Responsibility Code and revised it with the following list of crucial survival tips.

Official and Not-So-Official Guidelines for Reluctant Skiers

Cut the rental line. You didn't come all this way to wait for little Brandon to whine through his boot fittings. Buy a ski patrol hat and move authoritatively to the front of the line. (NOTE: Another option is to pretend you're disabled. Blind skiers enjoy all kinds of perks.)

Don't ski under the chairs. By choosing trails that aren't under the lift, no one will have a vulture's eye-view of your technique-free skiing. You stand less chance of being laughed at by children in helmets. Also, there are none of those pesky lift poles.

Know the Snowplow. Ask a knowledgeable skier about the classic snowplow move, which involves pointing your ski tips together to slow down and shifting your weight to turn. It's not the best look but it beats tobogganing down the mountain in a stretcher.

Be a man. When you spill, brush yourself off and point your boards back downhill. Don't blame the ice or the gear or the weather. Everybody appreciates the guy who can take the fall of falls and resume his suicide run while the ice crystals are still frozen in his nose hairs. Speaking of which ...

Blow your nose occasionally.

Know your trail map. You have to read between the lines on trail names. Walk-a-Long, Mosey and Daydream are flat, featureless trails for beginners, marked by green circles. Double-diamonds, the toughest trails on the mountain, usually provide subtle hints in names like Plunge, Final Prayer, Nose Dive and Compound Fracture.

Do not stop in the middle of a trail.