The Battlefield

The Battlefield

I couldn’t focus. I drank the cup of coffee on my study table, put on my earphones and press the button of my walkman into its highest volume. I closed my eyes and repositioned myself in the chair, trying to find the spot that would bring my mind into consciousness. That’s what I wanted. Not just read. I wanted my mind to be conscious. I wanted contentment.

I was tired of fighting. I was tired of refiguring and juggling to make things work. I look so haggard and frail. It anguishes me to see myself like this.  I was frustrated, maybe even depressed. I was tired of being tired. No comfort in my head? No surprise. There was no comfort in my life.

I used not to be a terribly insecure and worried person, a shadow, afraid of thousand things and doubtful about another thousand. I only chased after the rainbow, wished upon the stars, gazed up at the moon at night, believed in the wish granting 11: 11 and was generally contented and happy. But it all changed, after I entered my college life.

College life was a bit complicated. Oh, let me correct that. My life became complicated since I entered the college life which has paved me with impossible trials plus the deadlines of the requirements and the rushing hours. And of course, the primary concern of every college student’s existence, the dark eye bag size. Geez! I’d also been burning my eyebrows since before coming to college, but my life was never the same compared to my high school days.

“Dad” cried my little sister, “She changed the channel of the TV!” Her brows knitted as if something terrible happened. “I couldn’t watch Oggy and the funny dumb cockroaches!”

“You’re so mean my dearest sister!” I exclaimed. “Let me watch this time, I have to do a lot of requirements later” I added.

“Why don’t you do it now, Sophie?” asked my mother who was busy cooking in the kitchen.

“Later, mom. Pleasure first before pressure” I answered back with a loud voice for her to hear me.

“That’s not the way it is. You’re wasting your time, do it now...” I didn’t hear the other last words mom was saying because I left the living room and went on to my room. “Same words to hear” I told myself. I heard the chuckle of my little sister who happily got the remote I left on the couch.

That was it. That’s how I live. I’m invisible. That’s how I take my part in our home. I was always compared to my big sister who was so successful in her career; the reason why I’m always bitter at home; the reason my parents can’t even understand that we’re not the same; the reason why I became like these.

 I fell on my bed, propped myself in a black-linen blanket and close my eyes; my mind booming with things that may happen this week. I just want to sleep and never wake up.

        I woke up with my mind awry; it’s eleven o’clock in the evening. I felt my body drenched in sweat and my heart pounding so fast. No time to waste, I said to myself.  The rhythmic sound of rain pouring off the eaves of our roof gently tugs me back to my worries.

I started to move; move in a sense that I have to read with full understanding the entire photo copies plus the notes I’d taken down in all subjects. I sighed. Will I make it? I asked myself with full of doubt.

I finished the photo copies on one of my subject and a smile immediately lit up my face. But that smile was swiftly interchanged with a frown as I checked the time on my phone. It was one o’clock in the morning and yet, I still have thousand of words and topics to read.

Hours have passed and voila! I’m finished. I survived another night. I checked on the time of my phone, it was already five o’clock in the morning. I yawned, stretched my arms, gathered my things and placed them on my folder. I prayed and started to cook noodles for my breakfast. After all the routines I did every morning, I went out of the house and exhaled deeply. “Sorry mom” I said to myself.

I rode in a jeep and the highway was full. I tried not to scan my notes anymore thinking that it would just disrupt all that I’ve reviewed. Instead, I looked up at the bright clouds gleaming in the sky as the sun’s ray of light permeated my feet and feel the wind penetrating my body. Seems to be a great day, I thought.

I came to school exactly seven o’clock in the morning, walked through the corridor and immediately went in the room. With a bag in my one hand and a folder on the other, I paused for a moment and stared at my classmates.

“Come here,” Stephen said. He was one of the nicest and closest people to me. “Well, it would be a helluva kind of day” he added.

I just shrugged my shoulder of what he said. I put my bag down on the seat, my folder on the arm chair and scanned my notes. After minutes of waiting, our instructor came in. Silence pervaded inside the classroom. Some of my classmates doze off. Some pretended to sleep. I, on the other hand, pressed myself to read the notes I was holding, savoring the mesmerizing time left.

“So, are you ready?” asked Mr. Mendez. Everybody looked down except for me and answered, “No sir!”

Mr. Mendez smiled and said the hurtful words for me, “Okay class, I’ll be discussing for today. We’ll have the quiz next meeting.”

Everybody jumped for joy, shouted like there’s no more quiz to happen the next time, except for me. I stared at them blankly. I was not happy. I reviewed well but there will be no quiz to happen? How pathetic! How about the time I’d spent for this subject? Ugh!

“Hey, are you okay?” asked Stephen as we get out of that room after the class of Mr. Mendez, who was busy talking and not checking on his students who were too bored and don’t even understand what he was talking about in front of the room.

I sighed. “I’m not. I reviewed Steph. Ugh! Pity me!” I said with my eyes narrowed.

Stephen smiled at me and stole the folder I was holding. “It’s okay” he said with a firm, calm voice. “As always” I said.

We went to the library to review again for our next quiz; if there’ll be a quiz. I tried to concentrate but I just can’t. I looked at Stephen who was beside me, he was fast asleep. I sighed. The feeling inside me bothered me. Every bone and muscle in my body aches, my throat hurts. My heart shudders, and I feel as if I need windshield wipers for my brain to work. I breathed heavily.

The bell rang. I have reviewed all my notes last night, all too well. But the urgency of me, desiring desperately to take the quizzes to be given today, foreboded me that something was amiss.

“Hey!” Stephen said with his voice in alarm. “Are you okay?”

“I’m...okay” I said in a whisper.

        Stephen and I went in our next class after the bell rang. This time, unlike the first subject, we had our quiz. And yes, I’m really confident that I’d get high in the quiz. The result came, thank goodness! I got high in the quiz.