The Truth Behind Best Friends

 Sunday, April-05-15

Yesterday, I gave you up. I lost the person I considered my best friend, I lost my boyfriend (who was not really my boyfriend at the time, but I never stopped hoping), and I lost my soul mate. Maybe I watched too many movies about love and romance, maybe I believed people were inherently good against my better judgement, but I always believed the right person would bring such beauty and happiness to my life it would be overwhelming. I always saw you as that person. I never believed you could be a monster, even after reality spent months trying to show me you were. How could a man with eyes as blue as the sea and arms so fit for my body be the hurricane that clamoured through me? I knew I was a strong person before you; an icy core with a warm surface, always protected, never vulnerable.

Monday, April-06-15

I can’t help but feel like the walls are slowly inching closer. I don’t think it has hit me yet, that this is the end, that there is no more Mary and Randall, that there is no more feeling safe in bed with you, no more holding your hand, or being held under the rushing water of a shower. I spent so many years as a child wanting nothing more than what every other girl dreams of; to find that perfect prince of a man that would hold me at night and buy roses and wedding rings. It’s hard not to be naïve when it’s all you are taught growing up. It didn’t matter to me that we barely had enough money to pay our bills. It didn’t matter that we lived in a trailer or that sometimes we fought, because these things happen. Life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, but even in the trailer with no heat, you were the sun for me.

I could spend weeks trying to find the right words to explain the way that you made me feel and never get it right. I always believed that words could really express the ways that we feel; the hardest part was just realizing how they fit together- but recently, I’ve learned otherwise. I see now that words will never be able to tell you how my chest aches from the moment that I wake up in the morning until the very second I stay awake at night. I can never make you realize the void that you left when you took my heart from me, promising me you would be careful, but never were. When you meet the person that you want to marry, nothing else matters. We could live in a mansion, we could live in a box, we could have nothing to our names and that would be okay with me, simply because I knew that we would be together. I know that will never be enough for you, but that will always be enough for me. You didn’t just fix the broken  mess that invaded my chest before I knew you. You didn’t just wipe away my tears and tell me that everything was going to be alright. You proved it. You showed me that you cared, you held me close when I needed it, and told me to smarten up when you though I needed that too. More than anything, you did what you could to make me the happiest girl on this beautiful earth, and for a short while, you did.

Then I realized I would never be what you wanted.

From the moment we met, I was what you needed. I kept you grounded, I kept you from wanting to give up and just leave everything behind. It wasn’t easy, and there were many times where I wasn’t sure that I would ever be able to get through to you, but in the end I could. I know there were many things that I didn’t do that I could have, or things that I did that I would do differently now, but these are things that can’t change. Even with my flaws and my imperfections, I would always be the one that would be there for you. I loved you more than I could ever love anything in this world ever again. I had more love for you than I had for cats, or the way my eyes look in the sunlight, or for anything else I’ve ever been able to think of. And that love is never going to dissipate. I will love you with my heart and soul until the day that I die, and even then I don’t know if I would be able to stop. It didn’t matter to me that you angered quickly, or that you would never go dancing with me. It didn’t matter that you didn’t want to give me flowers or you weren’t sure if you would be able to give me the things in this world that I deserve, because I had you, and you meant more to me than any other thing ever could. And my god, the things that I could and would do for you. I would give my life in order to see you smile one last time. I would cook you a thousand dinners or shave off my hair. I would sell my soul to the devil himself so that you could see that I can provide everything you will ever need and more. But that is something I will never be able to give you.