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Before I get started I have one question for you; On a scale of one to ten, rate my body. Now that that's over and done with, bend over its time for a history lesson. A lesson on the origins of shit. In colonial times the tea trade was many New Englanders main source of income. This trade was largely with the British, who at the time, held a monopoly over the industry. Combined with british statutes that made trade with any other country illegal, the early Americans were forced into a position of submission to British traders.

In the year 1764 over 4,000 tons of tea alone was imported to Boston harbor alone. The tea itself was water sensitive, making for delicate transport since It had to be elevated on the deck of the ship itself. Thus the boxes were marked with an acronym: S.H.I.T. Ship High In Transit. The colonists, angry with the forced British trade, began calling the tea boxes of shit in an effort to diss the Englishmen. The word shit was born. Often colonists would tell British traders to "eat shit." As you can see the year 1764 was an important historical milestone in terms of relativity to our everyday vocabulary.

Hurray, I suck. On the whole you could pretty much say that I bring nothing to the table. I could best be desribed with the literary device of simile: hanging out with me is like staring at a jar of mayonase for an hour. I do have one redeeming quality however, my stunning good looks. I could best be described as a combination between Newt Gingrich and Canadian curling champion M. Emmet Walsh.

OK, brace yourselves, here comes the most absolutely fucking hilarious joke in the entire world. This joke is so funny that only a select few elite know it or have even heard it. Gentlemen, consider yourselves tonight privileged that you shall be included in this elite membership. Now is the time to open your ears if they haven't yet been. Here it comes.

Inspector gadget, a giant talking spoon, commander