Who I Am Today

Who I am today

My family and I have never discussed sex together. That is just how we are. We do not communicate a lot as a family. I like to think we are a dysfunctional family at times. It is awkward for me to ask about sex from any member of my family even my mom. The first time I have ever seen a sex scene or even acknowledged one was from a TV show. I was probably eleven or twelve at the time. Of course being so young I thought it was a "gross" thing and I would never do anything like that. But that all changed when I became a teenager; puberty hit. And did it hit big time. By the age of fourteen, I was a full B cup. Not only did my breast develop I started to feel emotions I have never felt before. I would easily get sad, happy, angry, irritated and at times I felt vulnerable but I thought this was just because my menarche had begun. It did not help either when hair starting growing in places I did not know it could grow. If I had learned about this from my mother, I would not be as clueless. Nonetheless, my attitude towards sex had completely changed.

By my freshman year, I was a 34 C. I started to notice that guys were staring at my chest while I was walking down the hallway of my high school. Of course it made me feel uncomfortable, but I also liked the attention. I constantly saw couples make out behind the lockers and I would get a "funny feeling". I wanted what they had. Their actions influenced me to want a boyfriend with whom I can make out in the hallway behind the lockers as well. Seeing my peers all snuggled up with their boyfriend made me feel like I was a loner because I did not have a boyfriend. It was ironic how I started to feel like I was a loner when I met my first boyfriend (Liam*) in our math class. We started out as friends, but the more we hung out together the more we started to fall for each other. In other words, sexual feelings between us started developing. We were both inexperienced in the dating field but that did not stop us from dating. None of my friends had ever had a boyfriend so there was no help from them giving me advices on dating. Even though we were both curious about sex, we never brought it up. He knew I was a shy person so he never pressured me to have sex. I knew he wanted to have sex, but I was not ready and I thought we were too young anyway. Nevertheless, our relationship continued to grow with or without sex over the next two years. He was pressured by his friends to force a move on me because according to them if you "hook up" with a girl for more than two weeks you can sleep with her. Thank goodness he disagreed with them. I think they have been getting their info from porn movies. Of course in between those years we kissed but by our junior year, I thought he had waited long enough and I trusted our relationship enough to give up my virginity. We found a perfect moment and no one was home so it happened. I must admit I was nervous like no other. My heart was beating so fast I could have sworn you could hear it two miles away. I could tell he was nervous too because he was sweating and his whole face was red. He kissed me on my neck and it was such a gentle warm kiss. I have never felt that way in my whole life. I was shaking the whole time because I was so nervous and scared. But we both knew what we getting into. This was the moment we have been waiting for.

The next morning was sort of bittersweet. We woke up to an awkward moment, but I smiled at him and gave him a kiss regardless. The whole morning was awkward actually. We did not really speak to each other. Not that that meant we regretted it; we were just shocked that we actually had sex. This was a huge step in our relationship but we were both ready so there was no regret. Later on that day, I was over at my friend's house studying for our test and I told her I was not a virgin anymore. At first she did not believe me because she knows how shy I am but as I was explaining in details all the stuff that happened, she was like, "Ok stop it. That's enough. Gross. If I wanted to know that part I would ask." She was grossed out but at the same time she was curious as to how the whole "sex process" works. If I was in her position, I think I would be curious also.

It was petrifying when I had to think about telling my mom I was not a virgin anymore. Because we never discussed sex and I really did not feel comfortable talking about sex with her, it was really difficult for me to tell her. In the Asian community, if you were to have sex before marriage, you would be portrayed as an impure woman and no man would want you as their wife because you have already been touched by another man. I was scared she would give me a dirty look or disown me or give me a huge lecture about how it is immoral to have sex before marriage. Out of the three, I think I would choose option one or three but definitely not option two. I do not know what I would do if she had kicked me out of the house. Fortunately, she only gave me a lecture. To my surprise, she did not criticize me. She took it pretty well. I was so sure she was going to yell at me and throw me out on the streets. I felt like a huge brick had finally lifted off my shoulders.

After that was all taken care off, I felt more at ease with Liam. It was awkward after that night because I felt guilty about having sex without letting my mom know first. But things between Liam and I were finally turning back to normal. We were definitely more comfortable around each other; sometimes too comfortable. Just as things were getting perfect,