Libertarianism

Stacy Fagan

Professor Bordelon

English 151-06

2005 February 26

Successful Love

How can couples have successful love? Very seldom do couple start a loving relationship, and keep loving each other. Most relationships go down the drain usually between six months to two years. In the beginning, relationships are new, exciting, and passionate. After some time passes, things change and everything becomes predictable. When this happens, partners get sick of each other and start to fight and argue with each other. Basically, you just get on each others' nerves. Authors Deborah Tannen, John Gray, Susan Page, and John Gottman explain certain solutions to have successful love. These authors have experience in analyzing relationships. Tannen is a linguistics professor at Georgetown University, specializing in language and communications. Gray is an inspirational writer on relationships. Page has done much work in workshops specializing in relationships and communications. Finally, Gottman is a psychology professor, who has done research on relationships between two thousand married couples. They all mention that in order to keep a strong relationship, there are particular skills that you need to know. For men and women to successfully communicate, they must be able to listen to each other, understand each other, and not criticize one another. You must have these components to make a relationship successful.

Listening is one of the most important aspects of successful communication between men and women. Listening is the act of paying attention in order to hear one another. When couples communicate, they usually think about talking instead of listening, even though "98% of good communication is listening." (Page,28)Page states, "Listening means putting yourself in the other person's shoes. It means trying to understand a different point of view before you try to make yourself understand. (Page,28) This explains the fact that what you are saying to someone may mean something totally different than what you wanted to say. To stay away from this problem you must speak as if you were listening. In other words, you have to hear the words that you are saying before they come out of your mouth. "To some people listening is a highly refined skill that is reserved for deep, intimate conversations or delicate negotiations." (Page,28) To other people listening is a part of their everyday routine. "The secret of good listening is non-defensive listening."(Gottman,48) In relationships many fights are caused because one person becomes offended by something the other says. Gottman states

The key to defusing your spouses defensiveness is to be a good listener. While your mate has the floor, it is your job to genuinely understand and emphasize with the feelings behind the words that you hear. If an individual doesn't listen to what someone is saying, it may result into him/her reacting defensively. This is a common mistake couples make in relationships.(Gottman,51)

I know from experience that I have become very upset over something my boyfriend had said to me. Sure enough, he thinks that he said nothing, and I am overreacting( which I have a tendency to do). If I would've listened more carefully and tried to hear it in his words, I wouldn't have gotten upset. "It is important to reflect back what you have heard, not by rote, but with your heart" which means "listening deeply, and if you truly care, then what you reflect back to the person who is speaking will not be mechanical. "(Page, 30) In Gottman's essay he writes "Your partners negativity is away of emphasizing how strongly your partner feels upon the issue[Ð'....]even if you strongly disagree, act as if you agree."(55) For example: A boyfriend and girlfriend always argue over something stupid, especially when a female doesn't agree with a man's action. In some cases, females will say, "why didn't you call me, I was worried." A man in this situation may take this the wrong way and respond, "god woman, give me some space!" If the man would have listen to the words "I was worried", he would have responded "sorry, next time I'll call and leave a message." "The key to defusing your spouses defensiveness is to be a good listener." (Gottman, 51) Both writers Page and Gottman believe that listening is a key factor in a good relationship.

To have a healthy relationship you must know how to communicate, and know the difference between men and women's communications. There is a different understanding between men and womens' speech. People need to understand that the way men and women communicate are completely different. This is because men and women have different motives. They speak for two separate reasons. This is opposite sexes usually have issues about something they said to someone or to one another. All four authors emphasize that you have to work on understanding each other in order to have successful communication. Page states "when two parties in a conflict are willing and able to listen to each other and to understand each other's point of view, they can negotiate peacefully." (31) To start off, is to understand that "men feel more comfortable public speaking, while women feel more comfortable doing private speaking." (Tannen, 10) Gray also agrees, "women are more oriented towards connection; men towards accomplishments, so women want to be affirmed for who they are, men for what they do." (42) Tannen declares

"For most women, the language of conversation is a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships[Ð'....] for men, talk is primarily a means to preserve independence and maintain status in a hierarchical social order." (10) To tell you the truth, "many men honestly do not know what women want, and women honestly do not know why men find it so hard to comprehend and deliver." (12)

Men react totally different and can get away with it by just ignoring the problem. This makes women even more mad because the women want to solve the problem