My Walk Through Hell

My Walk Through Hell

I had grown up always saying I would never try drugs. My older brother KC was always getting himself in trouble for drugs. He has been in and out of Jail and Rehab centers since the age of about 13. To hear that my brother was in jail when I was about age 6 was traumatizing. I didn’t think he could do wrong. I saw him as my older brother, I loved him. How could he be so bad that he had to go to jail? After witnessing my brother go through everything he did. I had sworn to myself I would never, ever do drugs. I seemed to really think that I was going to stay away from them and that if someone offered me anything I would just easily say no.

Growing up I was raised in a Christian home; I went to a private Christian school up until the 8th grade when I was first introduced to the outside world of public school. It was very different to me. I had heard and seen things that I never had before. Public school, 8th grade is when I first started to hear about drugs and sex and alcohol. It was all so new to me. I felt like such a newby when people would talk about it.

For about half of 8th grade year I hung out with good people I guess you can say. I was still a good girl half way through the year but that was about to change. I met a girl, her name was Caitlin Roberts. How we started talking I cant really say because I don’t remember. I just remember our first conversation with each other was about alcohol. I had told her I drank. In reality I had never had a sip of alcohol before. She had told me that she wanted to hang out with me and that she would bring us Vodka to drink. I agreed to meet her at Taco Bell one Friday at the center. My mom drops me off just thinking I was going to hang out and get a bite to eat but really there was soooo much more about to happen. I get into taco bell, see her sitting down. I go over there, sit down and she immediately pulls out one of those Aquafina Liter sized bottles full of Vodka. A good 20 minutes later that whole liter was completely gone and so was I. I had never experienced this feeling before. It gave me a feeling of numbness and happiness. Everything seemed to go by so fast yet slow. I began to love it. This was a weekly routine for us. I slowly began to get noticed, all the local “bad kids” knew who I was and knew where to find me every Friday night, at the center. Me and her were sort of in a way local drunken celebrities. Among us, our friends were mostly guys. So we became quite popular with them. The bad part about these boys is there ages ranged from about 10-18. We were lost little girls in this huge giant world of partying. How my mom never smelt the alcohol on us when she picked us up, I have absolutely no clue, since mom didn’t know it continued to get worse.

At this point all I was doing was drinking and I had started to smoke cigarettes. I began to wonder when Caitlin would talk about marijuana. I wanted to try it yet I was absolutely terrified of it. She would always try to talk me into smoking marijuana but when the opportunity came up I was usually intoxicated already so I was way too scared to mix the two together. Low and behold the day came. She told me she needed to go to a friend’s house to talk to them. When we got there it was so much more than that. It was a huge group of guys standing around outside smoking marijuana. My biggest mistake, saying yes to the marijuana. At the time though I didn’t look at it as a mistake, it was basically my new best friend. I smoked as much as possible. Every dime I made went to getting more, that’s all I wanted was more. My friends at school started to notice. They would see me at the center all messed up, but the sad part is. There wasn’t one person that ever told me that I was messing up, not one told me to stop, and not even one questioned me about what I was doing. All they did was laugh at me and tell me I was hilarious. I was in a very sad state and not once person cared to try and set me straight.

So basically Cigarettes, Marijuana and Alcohol became my escape. My escape from what you might ask? I could not tell you, there was nothing wrong in my life. My family life was good, my school life was fine. I didn’t really have a reason for needing to escape like most do. School got a little more difficult when I started to get sick of being in school and not being high or drunk or something. So of course Caitlin was there to help with that too. She gave me 4 white pills called Vicodin. I took them. We both did together. She took 4, I took 4. We basically had most of our classes together so we just kind of sat there. They relaxed me, I felt like I was floating on a cloud. I began to like these very much too. So as you can see I was getting worse. I started to get depressed. I would think about what I was doing and I would totally just kick myself in the butt for it. Yet I still continued to do it. I think this is what they call addiction. No matter how much I hated myself for doing the things I did, I still did them. It was a cycle. Drugs, Alcohol, Depression to self hate. Yet I continued on.

I pretty much had that one night where it seems as if everything had gone down hill. I was with Caitlin at her house and we were informed about a kickback at this guy’s house. It was really far though. We were so desperate we literally walked up and down her street looking for someone to give us a ride. Luckily we found someone. He was younger about 20 maybe. He had a truck, so he gave is a ride. When we got there we were immediately given 40’s we downed them in about 5 minutes. Beer was nothing to us, we like the hard liquor. All that mattered though is that I got drunk, which I did like 2 more 40’s later. I was wasted. The guy that had owned the apartment offered Caitlin and I cocaine. I was so messed up the danger of that substance did not scare me at all. So we did it and it sucked. My nose burned like a mother. It was horrible but I liked it. It gave me a rush I had never experienced before. I was so hyper and happy. As always though what goes up must come down. Caitlin and me crashed on the couch. We kept on waking up though and just sitting there thinking to ourselves “where are we”, “what are we doing”, “what time is it”, “where is everyone”. We crashed then woke up a good 10 times then finally we were awake for good. We were really edgy so we smoked some weed to calm ourselves. It’s about 4:30 in the morning and we need to get home before her dad gets up to go to her work. Our only option? Walk! That had to be the longest walk I have ever taken. We were talking to people