Satire

Absurdly Low Number of Valedictorians at Parker

As a school board member, I, Rod Hailey, am sick and tired of the federal government being on our butts about no child being left behind. They are threatening to cut our funding just because so many kids are failing. It is not my fault so many kids skip class and simply don't apply themselves. We are already short on funding, so we need to come up with a plan to make all kids superior. The Parker class of 2007 will only have four valedictorians. What kind of system is this if only four kids are smart enough to get all A's. Obviously the curriculum is just too hard.

I propose that we install a whole new curriculum that will allow for every student to become valedictorian. Why should a class of 400 only have four valedictorians? Why not all 400? We would eliminate all so called Advanced Placement and Honors courses because hard classes aren't needed to get into college. The only thing that matters is becoming valedictorian no matter what classes a person takes to get there.

Our new curriculum will be based on more useful college preparatory classes since all valedictorians get in to college. Our students need to learn things that they will actually use in college. I propose we add Dorm Food 101. This class will consist of learning how to make ramen noodles and the proper techniques on making a grilled cheese with an iron. To pass this class they must gain at least 15 pounds in their freshman year of high school. Dorm Food 101 will be a prerequisite for Drinking 101 because Drinking 101 is a lot harder course. In Drinking 101, students will learn about the art of mixology, beer consumption techniques, and how to cover up drunkenness. To pass, a student must know how to make a rum and coke and be able to walk a straight line while still drunk. Another huge portion of college is sex and we want our students to be safe so we will introduce Sex 101. This class will introduce students to sex toys, condoms, techniques to let your roommate know not to come in the room, and STD's. All a student has to do to pass this class is be able to put a condom on a banana properly. Lastly, I think we should add Campus Walking 101. Walking around campus is a good portion of college so we want our students to know how to read a campus map and walk long distances in an extremely short period of time. So, for their semester exam they will be tested on walking extremely long distances by walking ј mile in 30 minutes. I feel these classes will ensure that our students not only get all "A's" but also prepare them for the real important parts of college.

I also feel we need to go back to our early years of schooling when everyone could do anything possible to get an "A". Students will be allowed to retake a test as many times as needed to ensure the "A". If a student doesn't know the answer on the test, they can simply ask the person next to them for help because we all know that students are very honorable and would never cheat their way to a good grade.

My proposal will benefit the school and the students. First of all, with everyone not only graduating but also being valedictorian the government can finally get off our butts about not meeting the standards set. As a school we have to do everything possible to become superior, especially with the No Child Left Behind Act. We can truly say no child will be left behind. Also, this is a great opportunity for Parker to finally become the best high school in all of Janesville. Maybe we will finally be able to get the recognition we deserve.

The students will also prosper from my idea. All students will not only go to college but also get it completely paid for. There will no longer be the problem of having to pay for college. Therefore, the families will also prosper by being able to spend their money on more important things like new cars and luxurious vacations. My new curriculum will also eliminate all the competition and hard feelings