The Phantoms Diary

A Ghost of The Lakes Tales

Very, very depressed today. New theatre owners are sadly both irretrievably stupid and have very bad hair and will both quite possibly need to be offed without delay. Also, lair dÐ"©cor is starting to get me down вЂ" it is so mid-century. Waiting for new Ikea catalogue but it hasn’t arrived yet. I know what will cheer me up! I’ll go and drop things on Carlotta’s head. Direct hit! Go me! Bloody silly whinging cow, and will you look at them all grovelling! Why in the world anyone would want to keep her around complete baffles me. Her voice sounds like a cat being strangled. But what would I know?! I’m just a musical genius after all. Ooooh, look at Christine bobbing about in her little slave girl outfit! I feel a little bit funny…like when I slide up and down the ropes above the stage… Hurrah! They’re letting her sing in the show! About time too. Hmmm. I wonder who that drippy looking bloke that she keeps making gooey eyes at is. Will have to find out. And possibly off him too.

Later

Show was a rather marvelous success, except that stupid drip Raoul (Raoul! What kind of a bloody name is that, it sounds like a noise you make when you’re throwing up for crying out loud) was not only sitting in my box but kept making gooey eyes at Christine all the way through. It nearly made me sick! Yep, am definitely gonna have to off him. It’s not that I enjoy killing people, really it isn’t вЂ" people just keep popping up who need to be killed! I find it quite traumatizing, to be really honest. Am feeling a bit down now. Think I’ll go and watch Christine undressing through her mirror. She still hasn’t cottoned on that I’m there yet, even though this one time when she was taking a bath a got a bit carried away when I was… Anyway. ARRRGGGGHHHHH! Drippy Raoul bloke with bad hair was IN CHRISTINE’S ROOM! Apparently they knew each other when they were kids. Lord, I hope they didn’t play doctors and nurses, that would just be TOO WEIRD. I think he’s asked her to go somewhere with him вЂ" this is BAD BAD BAD. Will have to put paid to it right now, before he gets into another box of mine. Once Christine is overwhelmed by my rugged masculinity she’ll forget all about Raoul.

Later

Plan worked an absolute treat вЂ" she was so overwhelmed by my rugged masculinity that she passed out. Well, I’m pretty sure it was my rugged masculinity that did it, she might have got a bit close to the toilet and I haven’t gotten around to cleaning that in a while. Perhaps should have, especially after last week’s tummy upset. Think will just play with Opera voodoo dolls until she wakes up. Oooh! I see movement behind the curtains! GAAHH! All went tits up, as it usually does. She took my mask off and I really hate it when people do that. Wish I hadn’t lost my temper like that though вЂ" it wasn’t like she was going to laugh at me and beat the crap out of me like the people at the sideshow, but you never can tell with girls. Have sent her away, and she’s probably gone straight to shag drippy Raoul. Am going to die alone. ALONE! Will think of ways to make it up to her. I know! I will kill everybody else in the opera so she’ll be the only opera singer left in Paris! Or…I could just write some letters to irretrievably stupid theater owners and get them to give her the lead roll in the next show. Yeah. That’s a better idea.

Next Day

Off to check mail now. GAHHH! No Ikea catalog, just another bloody letter from the Extreme Makeover people. When are they going to get it through their heads that I don’t want to be on their stupid show??!!!Anyway, have sent out letters to all the repugnant vestibules on the sphincter of society that inhabit this bloody stupid theater. Note to self also - write letter to Uncle Maurice and thank him for the Big Book of Vile Insults that he sent me for Christmas. Has much improved all of my correspondence. A damn sight better than the boring socks and underpants Mme Giry sends me every year.

Later

Heee heeeee heeeeeee!!! Look at them running around like headless chickens! Honestly, sometimes it’s great being a deranged genius. Oooh! Best get ready for show and witness Christine’s moment of triumph. Wait a minute… This CANNOT be happening! Breath slowly…..count to ten. Gah! Carlotta singing! Cannot contain insane homicidal urges much longer! May have to go and off someone, possibly Raoul or that guy in Seat 12 with the really bad tie. Need Bloody Mary to calm nerves. No! Mustn’t….mustn’t! I know! Will go mess about with Carlotta’s breath freshener (with all the Parmesan cheese that woman eats I hope it’s industrial strength) вЂ" not quite as good as cutting the whining bint’s head off but will still be fun. BWAAA….BWWAAAAHHAAAAAHHAAAA! Now put Christine on, you useless festering sacks of turgid sheep excrement! Oh good, they’re going to go and get her frocked up. Problem is that I really can’t contain these homicidal urges much longer. Will have to and kill the guy who makes the curtains go up and down, I’ve never been able to stand him. Oops. Curtains guy has just made an unscheduled appearance on stage. Guess his career is now….curtains! BWWAAAA HAAAAHHHAAA! Sometimes I even crack myself up! Hang on….where’s Christine gone???

Next Day

WAAAAAHHHHHH! WAAAAAHHHHHHH! DOOOOOOOM!!!!! Cannot bring self to relate what was witnessed last night, but suffice to say I really need a hug and the problem with being a deranged homicidal