Divorce

Divorce:

The effects on young marriages

with young children.

Running Head: Divorce

Abstract

Divorce is never a subject one likes to discuss. In New York we had over 21,000 cases filed as per National Vital Statistics Reports (2005). Many people do not realize that so many are affected when two people divorce. A marriage may be made up of two people. Within their union there are many people that are made connected from the result of it. So when these two people decide to divorce. It is not only them who are affected. When children are included it becomes a more sensitive issue. A life that was once shared will now be divided. This becomes extremely difficult in early divorces when young children are involved. Young children are very dependent

on both parents and the stability that they bring. It is very wise for parents to be careful of how they go about their divorce and to maintain as much stability in their children's lives.

Many young people are becoming parents very young and also getting married. Not many think thoroughly at the decisions they are making. They are bonding their lives together and also bringing in a new life. Whatever decisions they make will affect this child and any others that come afterward. Divorce is inevitable for many. But it isn't the end of the world. There are many ways to deal with separation and learning to move on. Most importantly, you must put your child first.

When going into a marriage, both spouses have expectations. Some they will voice and others they hope will eventually change. Over time, their marriage will go through changes. Like adding a new member to the family, work promotions or having to relocate. Things can get especially stressful when a new baby is added to the family. Most young marriages experience it more especially when one spouse stays home and the other works. As Beyer (1999) states in Coping with Teen Parenting, there is one advantage that young couples have when having a baby. Unlike older people, younger ones have much more energy which is needed to keep up with a baby. They are also likely to have more babies much sooner. This will add on to their stress. Also, there are a lot of changes that comes with having a baby which many young couples do not expect. Some changes will be for the better and others will be a test to their marriage. If both spouses can not communicate properly problems will start to rise. During this time it is good to seek outside counsel. It can be a marriage counselor, mediator or clergy. Remember when young children are involved it is best not to argue or show anger around them. Children have an image of a happy mommy and daddy, when they see their parents arguing or angry at one another. They become confused and many times will blame themselves. You are a growing example to your children. Things you do and say or do not do or say will affect what they will do and how they will react to situations later in life. So when one or both parties feel that there is nothing left to get out of the marriage and talk of separation arises. Once a decision is made, both spouses should sit the children down and explain what is to come. Let them know it has nothing to do with them and that Mommy and Daddy no longer can live together. Make sure to keep a cool head.

There are numerous ways to terminate a marriage. If possible, try your best to avoid litigation. When deciding on getting divorce and going through with the proceedings. It can become quite stressful. It is best if both spouses stay civil and communicate. If you and your soon to be ex-spouse are able to communicate, try to devise a plan to divide your assets and what type of schedule for shared parenting. Remember, to put your children first and all selfish wants behind you. You are divorcing your spouse, not your child. They should not be use as leverage. As Bell (2002) stated in Divorce making the break, there are four issues to achieving a constructive divorce.(p.31) The first is to keep a moral center, do not get caught up in using dirty tricks, betraying marital intimacies or using the children as bargaining chips. You want to leave the divorce with a clean heart. Second is to put your children first meaning no matter the indifferences you and your ex spouse might have. Be mature and cooperate so that a fair shared parenting schedule can be arranged. Your children need to see that both parents get along. You do not want your child to feel like he or she is hanging in the middle and must choose one day. Third, try to avoid litigation for 3 main reasons: it will be costly, time consuming and you can lose your decision making ability. In the end the lawyers will be the only winners. Only choose to opt for litigation if your situation poses a physical, financial or emotional threat to you or your child. Finally, make sure to get frequent reality checks. Divorce is a stressful time. It is likely you might get blinded by sadness or anger. It is wise to have a good friend, counselor or clergy during this time that can help you stay focused and relief some stress. There is a lot of emotional and physical strain on everyone involved during this time. It is good to talk and get it out of your head.

There are many reasons people have for deciding to terminate a marriage. Some spouses are not able to let go of the fact and it creates tension. For your children's sake you must learn to put that aside and communicate with one another. They still need both parents. As Levy (1993) stated in, The best parents is both parents joint-custody is the best. He proved it through case studies of children being raised primarily by one parent or having limited communication with the other parent. They grew up to blame the primary caregiver for keeping the other parent away so much and also blame the other parent for not trying harder to get more time with them. They also had