Outcomes Of Divorce On Children

Outcomes of Divorce on Children: Infants to Adults

Divorce is a terrible tragedy for children of any age to face. No matter what the

reason for the divorce, even if it's an abusive situation, there will be great losses suffered.

This is very evident in our society. There are hundreds and hundreds of books written on

the subject. Most all have the same underlying message: Helping children to cope with

the pain. What may seem like a harmless resolution to a problematic marriage, can and

will change the life of a child forever. Different age groups will face different problems

and emotions. We will be looking at the affects on infants and toddlers, preschoolers,

school- aged children, adolescents and adults.

Infants and Toddlers

Infants and toddlers can not put what they are feeling into words. They do,

however, recognize that something is not right. Parents may often feel angry or stressed

with the spouse, not even realizing it has an impact on their young children. As a result,

infants may cry a lot or it may affect their sleep patterns. They are frightened of the

uncertainty going on around them. Toddlers may express it more by throwing more

temper tantrums than usual or by being aggressive towards other children. They will have

mood swings and may regress in some areas. Both infants and toddlers need the security

of a routine. They feel safe in knowing what is coming next. It is very important that

parents realize this and try to keep some sense of normalcy during this stressful crisis.

Otherwise, it can lead to attachment problems later in life.

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Preschoolers

Preschoolers can minimally verbalize some of the conflict they are feeling. This is

the age group that often blames themselves for what is happening. One author attributes

this blame based upon Freud's theory of the Oedipus Complex. (Lansky, p. 35)

Basically, children this age fantasize about replacing their mother or father. They are in

love with the parent of the opposite sex. They may secretly wish for one parent to go

away so that they may replace them. When one parent actually leaves, they feel extreme

guilt. They also carry the fear of being abandoned. They see one parent leave them and

think maybe the other parent is going to leave too. This is typical egocentric thinking for

children of this age group. Children may express these feelings in various ways. They

may become super clingy , regress in toilet training (wanting to have some type of

control in the situation), or over dramatize their emotions. Parents need to be aware of

these symptoms and reassure their children that they are loved and are not to blame for

the divorce. Failure to do this may result in self-image problems and attachment

disorders.

School-aged Children

School-aged children seem to suffer the most during this life long tragedy. They

tend to internalize their emotions. They have a strong bond with each parent. Both

parents give them a sense of who they are and losing one of their parents is like losing a

part of their identity. Because of this bond, school- aged children often try to fix things

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between their parents. They may believe that if they behave especially well, their parents

will reunite and everyone will live happily ever after. This reminds me of the classic

movie "The Parent Trap". Unfortunately, real life is not a movie. Most of the time things

do not end up happily and therefore, fear and anxiety are a strong force in these

children's lives. This often manifests itself in physical symptoms such as headaches,

stomachaches, or worsening of other ailments. Their schoolwork will often start to fail.

School-aged children need to be able to talk about how they feel. It is important for

parents not to make their child choose